网帖翻译

How do you engender empathy in children?

如何让孩子产生同理心？

原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处

Alecia Li Morgan, Single mother to four kids ages 11, 9, 8, and 6

Alecia Li Morgan，单亲妈妈，有四个孩子，分别是11岁、9岁、8岁和6岁。

This is how I’m working on it:

我是这样做的：

1. Making sure my children’s needs are met, both physically and emotionally. It’s easier for kids (and adults) to think about others when their own needs are being fulfilled. Besides that, it also teaches them by example what it looks like to be cared for. Modeling is hugely important. By showing them that I am ready, willing, and committed to making sure they’re taken care of, they understand that this is how we show we care about people. They learn how to behave when others are hurting or in need. This past year, I’ve broken down a few times in front of my kids, and they all, every single one, have reacted in ways that bring me to tears even now just thinking of. My three year old will come and hug me, give me kisses, and pet my hair. My autistic five year old will do silly things to try and make me laugh or bring me his stuffed animals to hold. My sweet six year old comes up and holds onto me tightly and tells me how much he loves me. My eight year old will make little wisecracks and tell me that I’m the best mom in the world. Sometimes, I’ll find little notes or drawings left on my bed when they go to their dad’s. They recognize that it hurts me when they’re away, and they try to show their care and love.

确保孩子们的生理和心理需求都能得到满足。当孩子们（和成年人）的需求得到满足时，他们就会为他人着想。除此之外，我还通过实例告诉他们什么是被关心的样子。以身作则非常重要。让他们知道我已经准备好了，愿意并且全力以赴照顾好他们，他们就会明白这就是我们表达对他人关心的方式。他们就知道在别人受伤或需要帮助时该怎么做。在过去的一年里，我在我的孩子们面前崩溃过几次，而他们所有人，即每一个孩子的反应都让我很感动，即使现在想起来还是很感动，我三岁的孩子会来拥抱我，亲吻我，抚摸我的头发。我那患有自闭症的五岁小孩会做一些傻事来逗我笑，或者把他的毛绒玩具拿给我抱。我可爱的六岁小孩会走过来紧紧地抱着我，告诉我他有多爱我。八岁的那个小孩会说我是世界上最好的妈妈。有时候，当他们去他们爸爸家的时候，我会在我的床上找到一些小纸条或图画，他们意识到他们不在的时候我可能会伤心，他们试图用纸条和图画来表达他们的关心和爱。

2. Talking to them about how they feel. I’m constantly talking to my kids about their feelings and why they feel the way they do. They have been talking with me about cause and effect for years now, and they’re getting really good about figuring out why they feel how they do. We talk about how it feels to be left out, why they’re worried about X or Y not being friends with them, and also their unease and fears about the divorce. Helping them understand their own feelings is a big building block for empathy, because it teaches them about how to think about feelings.

和他们交流他们的想法。我经常和我的孩子们交流他们的想法，以及他们为什么会有这种想法。他们和我交流其中的因果关系已经好几年了，而且他们已经很好地理解了他们为什么会这样想。我们交流被忽视的感觉，为什么他们担心X或Y不能和他们成为朋友，以及他们对离婚的不安和恐惧。帮助他们理解自己的感受是换位思考的重要基础，因为这教会了他们如何分析自己的感受。

3. Discussing how others feel. I talk to them often about how their actions (or others’ actions) might make other people feel. We have a lot of teaching moments every day, from when they recap their school days to me to when I tell them stories about work or when we see an interaction at the grocery store or schoolyard. They’ve asked me plainly about my feelings throughout the entire divorce, and I’ve been very honest with them. It’s been really good to be able to help them understand the emotions, especially when we talk about things like trust and how lying makes people feel. The side benefit is that they’re much better now about not lying (not perfect - still kids!), too. But it’s been really good for me, too, to talk to them about how their father’s affair partner and girlfriend probably feels. It forces me to be empathetic (even when I don’t want to be), and I think (I hope) it’s good for them to see me really trying, too.

讨论别人的感受。我经常和他们交流他们的行为（或其他人的行为）会给别人带来什么样的感受。我们每天都有很多时间来讨论，从他们回顾他们的学校生活，到我给他们讲工作故事，或是在杂货店或学校看到的事情，无所不谈。在我的整个离婚过程中，他们直截了当地询问我的感受，我对他们非常坦诚。这在能够帮助他们理解他人的感受这一点还是挺好的，尤其是当我们谈论信任和说谎给人带来的感受时。另一个好处是他们现在不再撒谎了（他们不完美，还是孩子）。但和他们讨论他们父亲的外遇和女朋友时我的感受，对我来说也很好。这迫使我变得有同理心（即使我不想这样），我认为这对他们也有帮助。

4. Constantly pointing out similarities and creating bridges. I make it a point to talk everything out with them. When I get frustrated at an obnoxious driver in front of us, they’ll sometimes ask why I don’t honk or yell (gee, wonder where they see THAT modeling). I tell them that I try to only honk if it’s to help avoid an accident, and that I try really hard to be patient with people on the road because those people are people too, just like us. I tell them about how sometimes I still get really anxious driving in certain situations, and how much I appreciate drivers who are considerate of me or may let me and my big old van move into a lane when it’s crowded. I tell them how stressed it makes me if someone honks or yells at me. When they frx it that way, it helps them think about it. Having a brother with autism and having been around his sometimes intense meltdowns, my children automatically are much better about helping other kids in meltdowns. Sometimes, they may make a comment about that child being too old to throw a fit, and I remind them that people might think that about Marcus too, but that we know sometimes he can’t help it. We never know for sure what other people’s situations are like, but we have to keep focusing on how we’d want to be treated or want our brothers/sister/mother to be treated.

不断指出事物之间的相似之处，建立连接的桥梁。我和他们无话不聊。当我前面有一个讨厌的司机，我对此感到难过的时候，他们有时会问我为什么不按喇叭或大喊大叫（哎呀，不知道他们在哪里看到别人这么做的）。我告诉他们，我只会在为了避免事故发生的情况下才按喇叭，我也会努力对路上的人有耐心，因为他们和我们一样都是人。我告诉他们，在某些情况下，有时我开车也比较急躁，我非常感激那些为我着想的司机，也非常感谢那些即使在堵车的时候也能让我的大货车开进车道的司机。我告诉他们如果有人对我按喇叭或大喊大叫，这些行为会给我带来很大的压力。当学会这样子想问题的时候，就有助于他们思考。我有一个患有自闭症的哥哥，有时他会经历很严重的精神崩溃，我的孩子自然而然地能够给其他处于崩溃中的孩子更好的帮助。有时，他们可能会评论那个孩子长大了，不能再发脾气了，我提醒他们，有时他也无能为力。我们永远不知道别人的处境如何，但我们可以设身处地的想，你希望别人怎么对你，或者对你的兄弟姐妹。

5. Helping them imagine themselves in someone else’s situation. Often, we’ll talk about how other people must feel when … and it really helps them. Now, I hear my kids tell me, So-and-so was left out on the playground and was yelling at the other kids, but I knew he probably just felt left out, so I went to play with him. I’m so proud of those moments. Or I’ll hear them say so-and-so had an accident today after lunch, and I think he was really embarrassed, and I told the other kids it wasn’t nice to laugh because it hurts people’s feelings. Sometimes, they just tell me about something that happened where they didn’t directly intervene or respond, and I’ll ask them about how that person must have felt and they can tell me, then, unprompted, will talk about how they want to respond next time. It’s not always fun to be reminded to think of others, but it’s really good for all of us. “Do you remember how it felt when …” is a good conversation starter for these things. Once they remember how they felt and can lix it to how others might feel, it really helps them bridge that gap better.

帮助他们换位思考。通常，我们会讨论其他人在某种情境下的感受，这对他们很有帮助。现在，我听到孩子们告诉我，某某被遗忘在操场上，冲着其他孩子大喊大叫，但我知道他可能只是觉得被冷落了，所以我去和他一起玩。我听到他们这么做，我感到骄傲。或者我会听到他们说某某今天午饭后出了什么事情，我能想到出事的人真的很尴尬，我告诉其他的孩子嘲笑他是不对的，因为这会伤害别人的感情。有时候，他们只是告诉我一些他们没有直接参与或回应的事情，我会问他们那个故事主角的感受，他们都可以告诉我，然后，在没有提示的条件下，他们会讨论下一次他们想如何回应。提醒别人思考并不总是件有趣的事，但这样做对我们大家都有好处。“你还记得当时的感觉吗？”是一个很好的开场白。一旦他们记住了自己的感受，并将其与其他人的感受放在一起思考，这确实有助于他们更好地缩小人与人之间的距离。
原创翻译：龙腾网 http://www.ltaaa.cn 转载请注明出处

6. Showing them the benefits to themselves. We’re all humans and at some level, motivated to make life better for ourselves. I talk to my kids about the wide range of empathy and my expectations of them to be kind and respectful because, as my eight year old puts it, “That is how we are in Mommy’s family.” And he’s right. Part of what I did after the divorce was have a family meeting with my four kids and me, and we talked about what our new family would be like. We decided that our main rules were Be Kind and Respectful. Almost everything else was covered by those two things. But I also tell them about the benefits. We talk about how people who are kind and empathetic are nicer to be around. How generally this means they’ll have more friends and better friends. How being this way will help them in school, in life, and in their careers.

告诉他们这样做的好处。我们都是人类，在某种程度上，我们都是为了创造更美好的生活而奋斗。我和我的孩子们在各个方面都谈论同理心，我告诉他们，我希望他们善良、尊重他人，因为正如我8岁的孩子所说，“我们在妈妈家就是这样的。”他说的对。离婚后，我和我的四个孩子开了个家庭会议，我们讨论了我们的新家庭会是什么样子。我们共同决定我们的家规是是善良和尊重他人。这是指导其他事情的原则。但我也会告诉他们这样做的好处。我们讨论的是，和蔼可亲、富有同情心的人能够和周围的人更好的相处。一般来说这意味着他们会有更多更好的朋友。这样做对他们的学习、生活和事业都有帮助。

7. Catching them doing it right. I don’t tie empathy or kindness to rewards (or even to punishments beyond a solemn discussion), but I do make sure I call them on it when I see it. When they model it to themselves and each other, just being noticed and praised is a reward in and of itself. I make sure they know how proud I am of them for working at it. Also, sometimes they don’t even realize that they’re employing empathy, so calling it out for them and their siblings helps reinforce the behaviors and make them not just instinctual but conscious at times, too. I think this is good — sometimes in life, we have to call on empathy beyond natural urges. I do this every time I have to talk to my children about their dad and his girlfriend — and I’m glad I do, but it’s hard and not as natural as inspiring empathy in them for a classmate. And I spell it out. I tell them the truth — sometimes it’s hard for me to consider X’s feelings and the struggles she is facing, but it’s the right thing to do, so I work on it. Reinforcing to them that it’s an active thing for everyone, not just children, is helpful. Now, my six and eight year olds sometimes will call ME on it and tell me that they’re proud of ME for thinking of X.

他们做对了的时候要表扬。我不会把同理心或善良与奖励甚至是严肃讨论之后的惩罚联系起来，但我能够确保我看到他们这么做的时候，我会让他们知道。当他们以自己和彼此为榜样时，被关注和表扬本身就是一种奖励。我确信他们知道我为他们所做的事情感到骄傲。而且，有时他们甚至没有意识到他们运用了同理心，所以指出他们和他们的兄弟姐妹做得好的地方可以让他们越来越好，这一点可以让他们不仅是出于本能做这些事情，有时也是有意识的。我认为这很好。有时候在生活中，我们需要尝试去理解我们不想理解的人。每次不得不和孩子们说起他们的父亲和他的女朋友时，我都会运用同理心，我很高兴这样做了，虽然对我来说这很难，也不像他们对同学的同情心那样自然。我会和他们说清楚。我告诉他们真相，有时我很难去考虑X的感受和她所面临的挣扎，但我知道那样做才是对的，所以我努力去做。向他们强调，这对每个人都是一件积极的事情，而不仅仅是孩子们，对每一个人都是有帮助的。现在，我6岁和8岁的孩子有时会打电话给我，告诉我他们为我对X有同理心而感到骄傲。

8. Discussing how empathy can help them control and focus their emotions. We talk a lot together about impulse control and how not to react in anger or retaliation. A big tool for this is telling them to stop, imagine how the other person is feeling, then imagine how the other person will feel if they (my children) go through with whatever it is they wanted to do. Then, imagine someone doing to them or someone else in our family. Like with the road rage example, I show them this in our own lives, too. When someone is rude to us at a store, I keep my calm, and later, tell the kids that I have to imagine that this person is rude because they’re really hurting inside or have been treated badly themselves all day. That when I am really hurting and may not be at my best, I want people to try to be patient with me. It helps — them and me.

讨论同理心怎样帮助他们控制和关注他们的情绪。我们一起讨论了很多关于怎么样控制冲动以及如何在愤怒或报复中不做出反应。一个重要的方法是告诉他们停下来，想象另一个人的感受，然后想象如果他们（我的孩子）做他们想做的事情，对方会有什么感受。然后，想象有人对他们或我们家的其他人这样做。就像路怒症的例子一样，我也在我们自己的生活中向他们展示这一点。当有人在商店里对我们无礼时，我会保持冷静，然后告诉孩子们，我必须想象这个人是粗鲁的，因为他们内心很受伤，或者自己一整天都受到不好的对待。当我受伤了，并且我的状态不好的时候，我希望人们对我有耐心。对他们和我都有帮助。

9. Talking about when things go wrong … for me. I also think a really important part of parenting and empathy is understanding when things go wrong. I’m not perfect. I yell at my kids more than I’d like to. Sometimes, I’m frustrated or tired and I have to literally ask them to give me fifteen minutes where I don’t talk to them. I try really hard to explain how I’m feeling. When I yell, I try to go back later, even if it’s much later, if I’ve yelled in the morning on the way out the door, and tell them I’m sorry I yelled and explain what happened. I’ll tell them — I got frustrated because X, Y, or Z, and I lost my temper. I shouldn’t have yelled, because it wasn’t kind or respectful, but I’m human, and I got overwhelmed by my frustration/stress/whatever. This allows them to understand how I might be feeling, and it does, in fact, help them with their own behavior, but also teaches them how to go back with a genuine apology later when *they* lose their tempers. I’m not perfect — really far from it, and owning it and explaining things to them is the best thing I can do to try to help them learn how to curb their own sharp tendencies, too.
All of these things together form a constant conversation and modeling dance that goes on, well, forever. Your kids learn it over time with you and from you, but also from each other and the world at large. Teaching them early to recognize feelings, to react to them, and to learn to put themselves into others’ perspectives is invaluable, and, in my opinion, one of the most critical things parents can teach their children. I like to think that I’m doing okay with this, especially since it’s one of the most important things to me overall, but there’s always room for growth.

讨论如果出现了问题怎么办？对我来说。我也认为养育孩子和培养同理心的一个重要部分就是如果出现了问题时要互相理解。我不是完美的。我对我的孩子大喊大叫。有时候，我也会沮丧或疲惫，我会要求他们给我15分钟的时间，让我不和他们说话冷静下来，我尽力解释我的感受。当我冲孩子们大喊了之后，我也会尽量晚回家一点，如果我早上在出门的路上大喊大叫，我会给他们道歉，并解释发生了什么事导致我大喊大叫。我会告诉他们，我因为X，Y，Z非常沮丧，我发脾气了。我不该大喊大叫的，因为这既不友善也不尊重人，但我也是一个普通人，我被挫折、压力、其他很多事情都压得喘不过气来。同理心让他们能够理解我的感受，事实上，这能够帮助他们改善自己的行为，也教会了他们以后当他们发脾气的时候，如何真诚的道歉。我不是完美的，离完美还有很远的距离，我尽我所能利用我的同理心和他们解释，帮助他们学会如何控制自己的脾气。
所有这些东西都是由持续不断的交流以及动态的榜样塑造出来的，好吧，随着时间的推移，你的孩子会和你一起，也会从彼此以及整个世界中去学习同理心。早期教他们情感认知，对情感作出反应，学会从别人的角度考虑问题，这些都是非常宝贵的，而且在我看来，这也是父母可以教给孩子的最重要的东西之一。我认为我在这方面做得很好，这是对我来说尤为重要的事情之一，但总的来说还是有成长的空间。

Jeremy Markeith Thompson, I leave family alone.

杰里米·马基思·汤普森，我离开了家独自生活

As a child, my mother took me and my sisters to Knowledge Corner in Chicago. This man had created a nonprofit that worked with people at a church. Every Sunday after we went to Catholic Church in Chicago,we’d go to Knowledge Corner at a Baptist Church.
We were the only children at Knowledge Corner. The rest of the people were adults with substance abuse issues. We would eat food and listen to the adults talk about their lives.
I’ll never forget hearing this man talk about his victories with not drinking alcohol. He’d talk about walking down a street in Chicago, constantly being bombarded with alcohol and alcohol advertisements, being tempted, and finding the courage to only drink a soda pop. I always felt such sadness when listening to him speak. I always thought that he was being tortured by his environment.

小时候，母亲带我和我的姐妹们去芝加哥的知识角。有个人创建了一个非营利组织，与教会的人一起工作。每个星期天我们在去了芝加哥的天主教堂后，都会去知识角。
我们是知识角里面唯一的小孩子。其余的人都是有毒品滥用问题的成年人。我们边吃东西边听大人谈论他们的生活。
我永远不会忘记这个人讲述他拒绝酒精诱惑的成功经历。他讲到当他在芝加哥的街道上散步的时候，不断受到酒和与酒有关的广告轰炸，他被诱惑了，但最终找到了只喝一杯汽水的勇气。听他讲话时，我总是感到很悲伤。我一直以为他深受他所处环境折磨着。

Other people would talk about their recovery from addiction to drugs. They’d mention how they had a great job, spouse, children, and home before using drugs. I could feel the pain in their voice as they spoke about destroying their lives.
My mother made sure that we learned that life wasn’t only a bowl of cherries. She let us come into contact with seniors at the nursing home, homeless people, divorced people, homosexual people, people with mental health illnesses, people with developmental issues, people that lacked stable home environments, and people with so many other issues.
This helped build my empathy and understanding since being a child. I was never blind to the world that I inhabited. I think that it is very valuable to expose children to the world. They need to see that it’s more than just video games and cartoons.
I would suggest volunteering at a food bank, visiting a homeless shelter, meeting other children at a women’s shelter, and volunteering at an animal shelter.

其他人会讲他们怎么戒毒。他们会提到他们在吸毒前拥有好工作、好配偶、好孩子和一个好家庭的。当他们谈到自己毁了自己的生活时，我能感觉到他们声音中的痛苦。
我妈妈让我们明白了生活不仅仅只有好的一面。她让我们接触到养老院的老人、无家可归的人、离婚的人、同性恋者、患有精神疾病的人、有发育问题的人、缺乏稳定的家庭环境的人以及其他许多问题的人。
这些经历，有助于我从小就建立起同理心。我从未对我周围的事情视而不见。我认为让孩子们接触这个世界是非常有价值的。他们需要看到的不仅仅是电子游戏和卡通。
我建议在食物银行（为经济有困难的人提供暂时性的膳食支援）做志愿者，可以拜访无家可归者收容所，在妇女收容所和其他小孩子玩，在动物收容所做志愿者。

Heather 'Harris'Smith, Music Teacher (2006-present)

海瑟哈里斯史密斯，音乐老师（2006年至今）

I think that intentionality and seizing your opportunities is the key here. When they are very young I often did the hurtful things back to them. If they hit me, I hold their hand and tell them no. If they do it again I say “ouch” and “cry.” They are usually tender hearted enough to get the picture at that point. If they bite me I would sometimes gently bite them back on the finger so they understand what they just did to me, making sure to say “see...... biting hurts. Don't bite. Ouch!”
When they get older and begin hurting with words you shift again. When things happen ask them how they feels. When you see bad things happen to others in movies model empathy by sharing your thoughts on how others might feel. Be honest and open about your own regrets and mistakes. Share when you have hurt others and express remorse.
You also have to really keep your eyes open for when they get “a dose of their own medicine” as well. Don't rub it in their faces. That never goes over well. First, truly empathize with them and how they feels. Use this a conversation point to be vulnerable and admit a mistake of your own or when you hurt someone in that way. This helps them drop their defenses. You can then use that to turn their attention to the effect of their own actions. When you hurt “so and so” did you want to hurt them? If so, why? If not, what emotional turmoil or distraction caused you to forget their feelings. Often the most hurt and damaged in life are the ones that do damage to others. They can even build empathy for those that hurt them because they, themselves hurt others.

我认为这个问题的关键是有意识的引导以及抓住机会。当他们很小的时候，我会让他们经历和我一样的伤痛。如果他们打我，我会握着他们的手，告诉他们不要这么做。如果他们再打我，我会说“哎哟”然后哭起来。他们通常都变得很温柔，也能够理解当下的情景。如果他们咬我，我有时会轻轻地反咬他们的手指，让他们明白他们刚才对我做了什么，一定要说：你看，咬人很疼。不要咬人。哎哟！
当他们长大了之后，他们开始用言语伤害的时候，就改变方式。当事情发生时，问问他们的感受。当你在电影中看到他人遭遇不幸时，你可以分享你对这件事情的看法，来树立同理心。坦诚面对自己的遗憾和错误。当你伤害了别人的时候，你需要给人家道歉并且表示你的懊悔。
等他们理解“以其人之道，还治其人之身”的时候，你要更加注意了，不要故意戳他人的痛处。这件事永远都不会有好的结果。首先，真正理解他们和他们的感受。你要利用这个要点，把自己置于低处，并且承认自己的错误，或者当你用这种方式伤害了别人时。这有助于让他人的注意力就会集中到他们自己的行为上。当你伤害“某某”的时候，你想伤害他们吗？如果是，为什么？如果不是，是什么情绪波动或不集中注意力导致你忘记了他们的感受。生活中受伤程度最多的，往往是那些伤害他人的人。他们甚至可以对那些伤害他们的人产生同理心，因为他们自己也伤害了别人。