2021-01-11 大宝贝 13342

How can I stop being attracted to deeply damaged men?


My father was an abusive alcoholic and everyone I have been involved with in recent years has had addiction issues. How can I escape this negative pattern?


Looking back over the past 10 years, I have noticed that everyone I have been involved with has had problems with addiction and been emotionally unavailable. My father was an alcoholic and, towards the end of his life, a deeply disturbed, psychotic man. I have often wondered why the men I am attracted to mirror the way my dad was towards me. I remember the pain his abusive and neglectful behaviour caused. I want to move away from these negative patterns that I keep repeating in adult life.



My own parents were off the rails in their mid teens when I was conceived. Their eyes have been seeing themselves in people I've known, whether would-be friends and women I've either been with or had hoped to win over. Because I'd built a story of virtue around this, just as I'd built a story around the musical impulse before learning of its true origins, I'd been too proud to step away from my habits and inclinations and accept that they were not good for me.


There's grief at first, with the feeling almost of having been controlled, but reading about inter-generational trauma should fuel a breaking away from the self-denial of these behaviours that are not ours.


Once again, most people recommend therapy - a lengthy and expensive prospect. Funny how no one ever thinks person might be writing into this column precisely because they can't afford therapy.

再次声明,大多数人推荐治疗 —— 一个漫长和昂贵的未来。有趣的是,没人会认为有人写这篇文章正是因为他们付不起治疗费用。

Therapy is good if you don't know what's wrong, but the letter writer does. She understands her mistakes and why she makes them, and she's ready to change. It would be good for her to have a friend as a sounding board, to make sure she's not missing red flags in the men she chooses, but that's all.


There’s been some wonderful suppprt here, so I will stick to practical advice that I wish I had access to when I was recovering (from a very similar childhood/parental situation)


3. Try some kind of somatic/bodywork therapies. But only after you have felt comfortable in therapy for a while. I would suggest something easy like EFT down the road.


4. Realise that if you decided to embark on your Healing Journey, you will find some relationships will fall away. This may hurt, but you will come to realise that those people weren’t the right people for you.

4. 你要知道,如果你决定开始你的疗伤之旅,你会发现一些关系将会消失,这可能会伤害到你,但你很快便会意识到,那些人并不是适合你的人。

5. You will also see more emotionally healthy people slowly come into your life as you move down the healing path. This will, at some point, reflect in you finding you are no longer attracted to people who are quite as damaged as in your post here. I can tell you from personal experience - this will feel wonderfully liberating.

5. 当你沿着治愈之路前行时,你也会看到更多情绪健康的人慢慢走进你的生活。在某种程度上,这将反映在你发现你不再被那些像你在这里发帖的人所吸引,我可以从个人的经验告诉你——这会让你的内心感到奇妙的解放

6. Read Karla Mc Laren’s “The Language of Emotions”. She is a survivor of childhood abuse and has wonderful short videos on how to decipher what your emotions are trying to tell you. I would suggest taking your time, but some of the most powerful healing I’ve experienced was when I let myself fully grieve for the childhood I should have had and never got - I had NO idea how much grief we suppress when we have neglectful/abusive parents.

6. 读读卡拉的《情感的语言》,她也是童年受虐的幸存者,她做了很多精彩的短视频,告诉你如何解读,你的情绪在试图告诉你什么。我建议你慢慢来,但是我经历过的一些最有效的治愈是,当我让自己完全为我本该拥有却未曾拥有的童年感到悲伤的时候——我不知道当我们的父母忽略或者虐待我们的时候,我们压抑了多少的悲伤。

7. You will feel many emotions as you go along - hate, rage, despair, grief, confusion, fear. When we don’t have healthy parents who mirror to us how to deal with and navigate our lives by truly feeling our emotions, we end up not learning how to do so. Therapy can be a great place to start exploring how to fully feel, and thrive, not despite, but BECAUSE of seemingly scary emotions, and what they’re trying to tell you.

7. 在你治疗的过程中,你会感受到很多的情绪——憎恨、愤怒、绝望、悲伤、困惑、恐惧,当我们没有健康的父母,教导我们如何通过自己真正的感受来处理和引导我们的生活时,我们就不知道该如何的做。治疗是一个很好的方式,可以开始探索如何充分感受和发展那些不良情绪试图告诉我们的事情,而非无视那些看似可怕的情绪。

8. Some of the greatest fear you may face on your healing journey may be around resistance - resistance to what happened, resistance to old ideas crumbling, and resistance to deeply buried emotions. This is normal. Be gentle with yourself.

8. 在你的治疗过程中,你可能面临的最大恐惧便是抵抗情绪——抵抗已经发生的事情,抵抗旧思想的崩溃,抵抗深深埋藏的情感,这都是正常的,温柔对待自己。

9. The work of Peter Levine is also interesting and helpful during and Emotional Flashback (when one unknowingly regresses to a state of childlike helplessness/terror , but doesn’t realise it because there is no visual/memory component to the flashback, just extremely intense emotions that are out of proportion with the present.)

9. 彼得·莱文的作品在情感倒序的时候也是有趣的、有用的当一个人不知不觉的退回到孩子般的无助和恐惧的时候,但并没有意识到在闪现的过程中并没有视觉和记忆成分,只有有现在极不相称的强烈情感)

10. If you are spiritual (I don’t mean religous) in any way, the YouTube videos of Eckhart Tolle, Teal Swan can be deeply soothing. Even if you don’t know what they’re talking about.

10. 如果你有任何精神信仰(我指的不是宗教信仰),油管上的Eckhart Tolle, Teal Swan的视频会让你感到深深的慰藉,即使你不知道他们在说什么。

11. Lastly, if this all feels overwhelming - that’s normal too. One day at a time. You survived a tough childhood, you are more than capable of healing your life. Get a good professional to support you

11. 最后,如果这一切让你感觉难以承受——这也是正常的,过一天算一天,你度过了艰难的童年,你完全有能力治愈自己的人生。找个专业人士来支持你

And know that those of us who have walked this path before you, believe in you. We know you can do it.


I wish you much luck and courage.